So….it’s been a while since this 3rd year of this medicine course started. I’ll go into how I feel about THAT after I actually figure out HOW and WHAT I do feel about it all…in the mean time:

Whilst working in the library, I came across a former classmate. Apparently she knew who I was the second she saw me, whilst I (being the oblivious person that I am) completely and utterly ignored her…(is that an oxymoron? Meh…do I really care about answering my own question? No, so let’s continue…)

After 3 hours, she finally approached me and said “Hi!!! Wow, I can’t believe you’re here in front of me!!! Upon seeing me in a state of complete confusion, she shyly continued: Wait, do you remember me?” I immediately felt guilty as I honestly couldn’t remember who this beautiful, smiling, gorgeous, (have I emphasised how ****ing amazing she looked?) girl was…

Karma 1

So I replied “I honestly don’t remember what I did 1 hour ago, let alone anything beyond that…I am so sorry…” (>.<).
Her eyes literally fell as if I had just betrayed and killed her“That’s ok…it was about 6 years ago, after all…we were at XXX college together…

I still could NOT, for the life of me, remember who she was, or HOW, IN THE WORLD, COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN SUCH A FANTASTIC LOOKING SPECIMEN OF FEMININITY (…yes, I admit that it was a highly masculine view of femininity that was rampaging through my mind at that particular point). But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings anymore than I had already done, so I lied and said “Oh…wait…OH I REMEMBER NOW!!! I can’t believe I almost forgot you….Let’s start again…WOAH!!! HI!!! I can’t believe it’s you either!!!….” etc, etc. She seemed to perk up at this, and we talked for a bit about the usual conversation starters, like how I was now at med school, where other people (who I don’t remember) from the college were, the embarrassing weather (the topic, which if you ever get to in a conversation, you KNOW the conversation is dying loudly), saved by talk of her family….

Throughout this, I SHOULD have felt so happy….what guy doesn’t feel happy when such an attractive girl is talking to him…let’s change that: what person doesn’t feel happy when such an attractive person is giving YOU ALL OF THEIR ATTENTION? But I didn’t…instead, there was a feeling of sadness, fear, malice and bitterness. Something was wrong…and then it hit me…

…now, it is really difficult to phrase this, because there are no single words to describe it. Essentially, 6 years ago, we were seeing each other. Although I felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, officially it was never announced that we were together. I’d say we were dating, you know what? I have no idea what to call whatever it was.

Anyways, we met in the first year of AS. She was in most of my classes, because we were both aiming to get into medicine. The second I told her I was also looking to get into medicine, she LATCHED ON and me, being the naive neanderthal I was, happily allowed her to cling on. We did a lot together, worked hard, played harder…no sex though…just ‘cuddling’, kissing, holding hands…(bearing in mind that I had never had sex or even had any sexual knowledge at that point…yes, it’s embarrassing for a then 20 year old). I can only imagine what sex with her would have been like…(^.^).

Karma 2

She wasn’t the ‘smartest’ kid on the block. Don’t get me wrong, I am thick…I am as dense as osmium (shut up chemists…I don’t care that there is an argument over osmium or iridium being denser (-.-). But she was something else…but a quick learner, and I spent months helping her to improve to the level we had to be at to even have a chance of getting into medicine. Things were fine until UCAS applications were sent…after that, she became more distant with me. Now, I know exactly what you are all thinking at this point…“she becomes distant so suddenly?”“You should have known that something was wrong” And I did, I tried harder, even with the greater stress, to be a better…date/pre-boyfriend. But it didn’t work. As the weeks went on, I even knew that she was seeing another guy…and I still STUPIDLY held on, hoping that by helping her and being there for her, I would prove that I was worth the effort…yes, I proved myself to be more dense than iridium (happy now chemists? I’ve mentioned them both…).

In the end, she was getting interviews to all her university choices and I only got one. At that point, she just stopped seeing me and talking to me. Even in class, she would sit on the complete opposite end of the room, and everyone else seemed to look at me with disdain…that’s probably why I don’t remember any of them anymore…good old subsconscious me!! You know EXACTLY who to leave behind and completely forget about (^.^).

Am not going to dwell on the emotional impact that had on me, because:
1) I am not going to get of soft and pathetic on you guys. I left that behind a long time ago. I stopped being a Philadelphia and made myself into a Parmigiano-Reggiano…apologies for the cheesy reference…*cough*. Talking of which, I am hungry…BRB, AFK, whatever you guys say these days…I needs food…I advise you to get some too if you feel hungry (^.^).

I’m BACK and happily stuffed with a Mr. Kipling French Fancy and a cup of good old tea. Google it if you have no idea what I am on about… (-,-)
2) Even if I wanted to, you can never fully describe the intensity and subjectivity of your experience to another. It is philosophically impossible. Yes, there are plenty of people (some are probably reading this right now) who have been in the same situation, but you and I may have had similar experiences, but you will never understand it as I felt it. And I shall never understand what you felt…probably because I have no idea who any of you are or anything about any of you, you nosy gits who are currently reading about my life…I guess I shouldn’t alienate you readers too much…(-.-).

So…we went off on a HUGE side note. Getting back to the current situation:
I remembered all of this as she was telling me how she did a biomedical sciences degree and was looking to get into medicine….and you know what I did?


…is what I wanted to scream in her face, to sing as I pointed at her for everyone to see, to whisper as I taunted her with memories of…well…you get the picture. Am I a bad person for wanting to do that?
But that’s being human. I am not a Buddhist monk, I cannot and probably will never be able to let go of these dark and socially unacceptable feelings. In the same way, if I come across a future regular patient, who I have seen grow from healthy to obese and refuses to change their diet and engage in even a little bit of exercise; I will try my best to help them of course, but I shall always have that feeling of contempt and disgust that I shall want to throw at their pudgy food-filled fat face. I love my food too, but do you see me stuffing my food hole with ridiculously amounts of fats, sugars and starch EVERY second of the day??

I wouldn’t actually throw abuse at my future fat patient, nor did I scream at this gorgeous girl who had horrendously hurt me. I gave her a bit of advice, read through her personal statement and gave a little feedback. End.

…well, I did purposely hold back from giving her amazingly good advice, because she is applying to same med school I’m currently at, and quite frankly, I’d rather see another good friend of mine get the place and I hope never to see this particular b**** ever again (-.-).

Karma 3


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